You matter to me

Having someone who matters is a blessing or a curse?

Photo by Melvin on Unsplash

They give you motivation and energy to push through each day to become a better self, so that you could take care of them better, you could take care of yourself better so they are not worried. You could surpass your limit and excel, that invisible current pushing behind your back and the unfounded discipline to just do it.

Because they matter, their words act as double-edged swords, carrying a weight that you were unconscious to. You choose to believe they always mean you well, they always have the best in you. When the truth is that, you let them decide what's best for you because they matter, and their opinion about you matter — because it is that person's care and concerns that you want. What if you disappoint them and they leave you? What if you could not achieve what was expected, would they give up on you? Our love for that someone becomes our fear to listen to ourselves and seek what is well for us.

If you matter so much, why do I never feel fulfilled by doing what I was told? Why do I constantly feel a void, feel afraid to take the leap when you are skeptical about my dream?

What if my consideration for you was never your consideration for me, and you simply impose what defined 'good' to you unto me? How do then that I care for you and pursue my dream? How do I expect nothing and want everything? I wish for your care and concern yet at the same time, I do not wish to carry the weight of your expectation, I want to be free. People say, those who love you would be supportive of whatever you do. Then why? Do you not love me anymore if I start to do things that are 'not' good' in your opinion? Do I lose my value when I no longer live in your definition of 'well'?

That is not fair.

Even though you might not reprimand, but your tone, your attitude and your scoffs tell me that you hate the things I have been doing. And it hurts, unfortunately out of my control. So I have to let you go. I have to stop caring about you and bring you down the pedestal, so that your expectation stops limiting my wellness, my soul and my mind. I want to run free, I want to figure out on my own, what matters. Yet you are in my way.

You were so important to me, you could be my energy for the day, you could be my driving force, you had built me up to be a strong person. But you were not just that — you became the curse to my dream. It is not your fault, it is me — because I can't stop wanting more affirmations and approvals, I let myself sink in the sorrow of your demand and lost myself.

It was my choice at the end of the day — whether or not you matter, whether you are a curse or a blessing. But is that true? No one knows what I want. But these people that mattered to me who have wrecked up my brain, I have given them too much power due to blind trust. They can never transform me and I can never make them do that for me, simply because I allowed their opinions on me to determine who I am. I forgot to stop and question perhaps they care not in the way I need. And that is the key — how you make me feel actually matters most.

And you could be anyone, and I have a choice who you are.

You are going to be my cheerleader, you are going to be my companion and we will fight together.

Now, that someone is always going to be a blessing, and that is all it matters. Choose carefully because the choice is in ourselves who we let in to make or break us.