The slow weave of toxicity

You start wondering, am I overthinking?

Why do I feel so drained each day feeling like I cannot be “more than” but “just enough”?

When your brain wants to paint a beautiful picture in the state of where you are, it will help you wear the rose-tinted glasses, so the little sting and ickiness in the heart can be quietened just a little longer… until you can no longer unsee all the undercurrent, it is time to leave it all behind.

We all harbour hopes and wanders when we first enter a new environment, hoping for the best — growth opportunity, earning the first paycheck, a bright future. I always remind myself to be realistic, because I had always hear advices about how working is just a means to an end — it is just about earning money. And it is true to a certain extent, but I still wish to hold a belief that while earning money, one can also enjoy the process beyond all the grind that it involves. Despite the jittery and worries stepping into the workforce for the first time, it is still not known how the experience would change me as a person, yet what else could be? Let’s make the best out of what we have chosen.

Honestly, I felt happy for the first year or so. I enjoyed the company of my colleagues and the team dynamics when we strive towards the same goal, and all the coffee breaks talks during the relaxing periods. But as the team grows bigger, the cohesiveness also starts to dim… Greetings no longer feel as warm, smiles no longer feel as genuine and many of the key roles are visibly burnt out during busy period, but it only gets worse as resources were not fully deployed to their skillset, work start to get stale, talents rotting away in the grind of meaningless work. And then the reality starts to sink in a little — ahh so that is all the horror tales I have been hearing about big corporate.

One day, my rose-tinted glass finally fell through as I encountered my first “betrayal” experience, and the only one I could blame for bringing myself into such situation was my own stupidity and innocence.

“Always choose your community carefully”

I can feel myself becoming more and more unhappy. Despite the work being very brainless and monotonous, the warm people helped to get by every day. However, days start to get worse as I feel more surveillance on every acts and more micromanagement starts to sink in. Quality delivery was no longer as valued, and merit was based on how steadfast responses are, and one gets policed with a few occurrences of underperformance.

Despite all these accumulation of unhappy events, I was grateful of a change in management. Good manager truly changes the overall experience, when they listen and help to pave the path you wish to embark on. Perhaps, my greatest lesson at my time spent here is observation of different leadership style, and how it can make or break a team dynamic.

I believe there is always room for improvement and one can always see the brighter side of situations, but it is even more important to know when it is time to leave for good. Sometimes, when we are so stuck in a place, it is hard to see through the many bullshits that managers and higher leadership try to mask and paint an ephemeral picture to keep you running the rat race. We have to remember, we always have a choice, and we should never choose micromanagement, and poor leadership. If a leader does not value talent and your growth, we have to know better that we deserve better. Listen to your heart, when your brain loves to deceive you to stay in the status quo and suffer further to only receive the bloated comfort.

Anyways, such environment - small toxic group dynamic - could very possibly be a norm in every offices. If such is unavoidable, we just have to set boundaries and keep our right circle cozy. Only fools fall twice for the same trap, I am only thankful that I have grown to be wiser and learned to trust my guts at all times.

Yet at the end of the day, it is only our mindset that determines all our actions. For once, I know I cannot stay further is that I no longer sees how staying could potentially improve my future. The key is to always route back to ourselves and seek alignment to our life goals. Despite the fear of so much unknown venturing back into the job market or even attempt a career switch, I know leaving is inevitable, and taking the leap of change is a must. I can foresee it would be yet another wonky ride ahead, but I am also very excited, what if it is routing a path more steadily towards the direction of a happier life?

There is only one way to find out 😊