Have we loved before?

Listen: 어떻게 이별까지 사랑하겠어, 널 사랑하는 거지 (How can I love the heartbreak, you`re the one I love) · AKMU

How can I even love the heartbreak, when you’re the one I love. I can’t give up on us solely because of love and experience heart-wrenching pain. - AKMU

There were days I miss those times when I feel the security of your presence and the telepathic connection we shared. I have lost count, the last day we spoken to each other. I was made believe that love is fleeting and vulnerable, who would be a fool to fall. I do, I still do and everyone does. What is love, who gave you the permission to create such a void in me every time I place my faith in you?

I was insisting that "all will work out", because I feel it, and I know I do love you.

I recall being the investigator and amateur paparazzi to find out every single detail about you, stalked through all your profiles, even dug through goodreads to find out your books preference. Great time obsessing over someone! You were an admirable character in my eyes, I love that you are driven, you are chasing your passion and you are afraid. And I know I will fall.

When you hold my hand, adrenaline rushed through my whole body and I love this beautiful feeling of affirmation that "maybe you like me too!" And I did fall.

I will always remember the heart-wrenching pain, the moment I know it is too hard to hold on. I can no longer handle my own storm and my doubts, I was in deep struggle between blind assurance and logical derivatives. "maybe you don't like me afterall..." I want to let go but I continue to fall.

When we sat down for the first time to have a 'proper' meal, and talked after a long while. Excited, nervous, anxious and mind blank. Trust me, I am not aware half the time of what I am trying to say, I just kept reminding myself to 'be myself'. And that day, I was the most 'not myself' -- because who knows how to behave when you want to leave a good impression but also words don't really come out of you, and you just smile as though screaming that you are an amateur at being serious at a 'proper' meal. This time, I landed.

Love is not an easy business.

Who said it was easy anyway, I simply assumed that sweets should fall from the sky, thanks to my learning from 20 years of rom-coms.

In our encounter, we had choices and we had time, a long time to figure it all out. But there were many questions that were left unanswered, or I was not ready to ask them or answer them. I simply assume the least that if I just love this person unconditionally, everything will fall into place (magically).

Why aren't there a manual to love?

"If you are insisting on what it should be, there is no possibility of what it could be."

Thinking back, I was in fact an immature kid with a naive outlook on partnership in life, and a ridiculous expectation on another person. I forgot the fact that he was too just a human and I am another human who have my own value. There were certain expectations revolving around how a relationship 'should be' like: guy pays it all, girl has to look pretty and in the picture, we are always smiling.

All the love I have come to known personally, was honestly none of the above and I thought it was all wrong. And he did not love me enough. It is quite funny after going so headstrong at the start about 'I do love him' and get all triggered when the rom-com in my own life did not proceed the way it should. In conclusion, rom-com is a lie.

Love makes you grow.

If you are afraid of getting hurt, then remember this. I have grown so much in this encounter (wouldn't call it a relationship, since really it does not qualify the universal definition of one). Every encounters, friendship or partners, they always reflect a tiny bit about ourselves - our longing, our state of mind and our weaknesses. But it does not define you or change the inner core values you have. They might influence you, but they will not make decisions for you and you always have the key to the final call.

Be thankful for each and everyone of them. I am very thankful for him, for being a support and a reliance I can seek for that period of time, for encouraging me to work harder and comforting me that growth is a slow progress. For giving a timely encouragement that set me on fire to work hard and find myself. Although there were truly time that I wish I didn't have to go through all the self-doubt and confusion about myself when I get ghosted, I think I have learnt to appreciate the good time and lesson this journey has brought me.

"A caterpillar consumes leaves daily, longing to be a butterfly. Slowly but surely, it turns into a cocoon, enduring the pain of metamorphosis. Eventually, it will spread its wing through the silk like cave. Bursting into the warmth and shine of the sun rays. Cutting through the air with each magnificent wing beat. It glides through time and space with power and grace, whilst other caterpillars long to be it one day." - tell me this can never be found on the internet, then I will believe he has really typed the life cycle of a caterpillar to me in his own words ©

Love makes you stronger.

We are all a work-in-progress and the fact that we chase and pursue love is that it has this magic dust of reformation. I always had this thinking that if you have a partner, you are a better person. And this is not wrong, but it is not a truth as well. Perhaps, we were shown more often when couples grow together but the truth is that both of them are working very hard behind the scene to become a better person individually. So, it is an independent process and there is no notion that being single makes you any less worthy or less powerful.

After every heartbreak, we basically gained experience point. We are equipped with better understanding about ourselves and what we have to offer in our next partnership. Never lose sight after a heartbreak and go down the spiral of self-blame, hatred and revenge. Every occurrences were for the purpose to make you a stronger person by putting you through failures. Embrace the pain because it is an evidence of your ability to love and experience this roller coaster; the crucial and exhilarating part of life.

I really love how AKMU expresses heartbreak with this song and how beautiful it makes heartbreak is. I think we should honour heartbreak because it is the most excruciating part - to have someone withdrawn from your life - especially after going through all the ups and downs together.

Who gave you the rights to end it all just like that and leave me in darkness?

So, I have learnt to just brave through the darkness and disappointment of a 'fruitless' journey and let time do its magic. I have always love this saying, loving someone does not necessarily mean having them by your side, but to genuinely wish them happiness, even if that means letting them go.

Love does not prosper in silence.

So if we really do love someone, we should tell them. And don't be a coward (like me) who just lead a one-sided rom-com by creating an obsession at the start and move on to the next phrase of convincing yourself that you are not loved and simply let go, for fear of facing the HARD questions.

The wait for love is going to be a pain.

But we ain't going to sob and wait for prince charming or princess elegant to appear and promise a happy ever after, we all know this story is old and we can treat ourselves better and give that promise from within us.

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore, it's just realising that the only person you truly have control over is yourself." - Deborah Reber