Attachment.

Xin Ping
Sep 13, 2020
8 min read

Updated: Jan 25, 2021

Who knows why falling in love is so hard..

because we haven't understood how we attached to people.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I always thought there was something wrong with me when I start seeing my friends entering relationship and becoming 'happier' (will be going deeper into the interesting phenomenon of the relationship between happiness and success) because they found their soulmate, that's when I start becoming anxious and serious about facing myself. And I even start hearing remarks from potential interest like "Are you gay?" And it makes me think, was I not obvious that I was interested or could it be that he just doesn't like me? And I ask myself - what is wrong with me? When I question myself in such a way, I know I am seeing my failure to be successful in relationship a problem but at the same time I am putting all the pressure on myself about "being me" that perhaps I was imperfect and I was not enough, which are all such toxic thoughts. Until I figured, I don't quite understand myself. Which is why I also put myself into repeating situation of 'unrequited' feelings.

Whenever I set my mind on someone, I become stubborn and oblivious to their flaws. And before anything, I already start envisioning the relationship from the start to the end in my mind. And yes, I always believe the relationship will not last anyway. And if it does, that's miracle, because none of them ever stays. I knew there was issue with my low confidence in all my potential interest, but I could never name this feeling. And at the end of the day, when it did not work out, I simply brush it off with "I see this coming", "I knew it". Little did I know, this is simply a part of me, and it's okay.

Sometimes I wonder why it is so difficult to understand myself. The fact that I have been with myself ALL MY LIFE, shouldn't I be an expert to the dictionary of 'me'? But after landing on this book, I am so stoked and I find out all along why I could never take that leap.

A book by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller that basically talks about the Four Attachment Styles of all human being, as you can already identified from the book cover - namely Anxious, Avoidant, Anxious-Avoidant and Secure.

To give a quick starter crash course on attachment. (I am basing the definition on Dr. Diane Poole Heller, just because I thought it's more succinct and understandable.)

Curious about how you attach? Take the attachment quiz here!

The Secure

Secure attachment is the ideal attachment style needed to enjoy healthy boundaries, fluidity of intimacy and individuation, and social engagement. This is developed by the child having caregivers who are positively attuned to the child, provide a safe haven with consistency and “good enough” care, attention and affection. Children who experience this type of holding environment grow to feel safe to explore the world, interact with others with trust, and to have emotional resilience and regulation. As adults they will tend to have greater confidence, better balance and choices in relationships, and the ability to both give and receive love.

The Anxious / Ambivalent

Ambivalently attached people have had caregivers who were on again off again, inconsistently tending and attuning to the child. Because of the lack of consistency the child doubts whether their needs will be met and is on the constant look out for cues and clues to how their behavior may or may not influence the parent’s responses. Over time they find themselves on an emotional see saw of needs being met and not being met. Their object relation is “I can want, but cannot have.”

You may observe that in ambivalent attachment styles there is a tendency to be chronically dissatisfied. First, there is a tendency to project their own familial history onto their relationship. Secondly if the other person becomes available, they become unavailable! Unaccustomed to receiving love, having it available doesn’t fit their profile of “still wanting”. Over time partners of Ambivalent people can be discouraged by their love being dismissed and the loss of the relationship can be the both feared and created outcome.

The Avoidant

In the avoidant attachment style, caregivers’ emotionally unavailable, insensitive and even hostile responses to a child’s need for connection forms a coping strategy of disconnection in a child. Avoidantly attached people commonly find their greatest struggle to be a lack of emotion. Without intimate nurturance the limbic system is neurologically starved and does not receive the signals required for building social responses nor the frontal brain stimulation that develops bonding.

This disconnection extends first to the parents and then to all other relationships. Though some of our cultural models extol the virtues of this self-reliant lone-wolf behavior (think X man Wolverine, or the quintessential “Desperado” cowboy icon), actually living with such a lack of emotional attunement can be increasingly isolated. When working with Avoidant attachment, the intrepid task of the therapist is to nurture a transition to a fully embodied and participatory existence by creating a welcoming and contactful experience full of compassion “permission for existence.”

The Disorganised / Fearful

A Disorganized Attachment style results when caregivers present double-binding messages to children. This is sometimes called “paradoxical injunction.” An example of this is a, “Come here, go away. Come here, go away.” message. Parents create situations for the child that are unsolvable and un-win-able. For example a parent may ask a child to do a task such as sweep the floor. When the child begins to do so the parent criticizes how it is being done, or even when it is being done. The child may attempt to do the task again taking the direction but is criticized again. The parent may then deride the child for not doing what the parent has asked them to do and punish them for not doing the job.

When exposed to these impossible-to-resolve situations over and over again the child develops a pattern of not solving problems. When parents set up these interactions that are frightening, disorienting, inherently disorganizing, and which sometimes involve violence, the parents become the source of fear. The disorganized pattern arises in the child when there is a desire to be close to the parent as an object of safety conflicting with a drive to detach from a dangerous and confusing caregiver. For the Adult this may mean being held emotionally hostage by the conflict of the desire for intimacy as well as the fear of it.

Disclaimer: Above definitions are retrieved from Dr. Diane Poole Heller's website.

See the attachment world!

Now that we have a basic idea on the 4 attachment styles, it is not hard to see that I am fearful-avoidant. I trust my partner very little and quick to attach, also quick to conclude that we are not suitable because of the fear that the partner will leave either way. Which is why it is so important for the insecure to find someone who is secure and is able to calm the inner drama acting up and to give enough security and affirmation of love.

However, it can feel foolish or frustrated to have our emotions based so much on other people's love for us, especially in this world that extol self-sufficiency and independence. Yet, on the other end of the spectra, when one is indeed as the society applaud - independent and self-reliant, it is undoubtedly sad to say that these people can become lonely. On the surface, it may seem that these people are strong on their own and mostly appeared to be 'emotionless' because they are attuned to the world and are less concern with feelings. This is such a myth. We call these people avoidant, who escapes from facing the emotions of others and their own, for fear that it is a sign of weakness and low self-esteem. I truly sympathise with the avoidant because they are not able to experience the richness between human relationship and connect in a deeper level.

Quoting from a research paper,

Attachment avoidance involves a detached attitude toward others’ suffering (a defensive cognitive–affective distancing from all sources of distress and pain, especially those that involve intimate contact and expressions of vulnerability) and a lack of concern for others’ welfare

I personally believe strongly that human connections become stronger when we resonate with the pain and sufferings from one another. The ability to empathise and understand others' pain is what connects our core together. Yet, the avoidant is indifferent to that.

Only when relief is attained and a sense of security is restored can many people easily direct attention and energy to other behavioural systems, such as caregiving. Only a relatively secure person can easily perceive others not only as sources of security and support, but also as suffering human beings who have important needs and therefore deserve support.

When we are secure enough to look past our own suffering, that's the moment we can engage meaningfully and deeply with other people. That is when, we are able to be vulnerable without the fear of being too much.

Then how do we become secure ourselves, or rather how do we identify the secure, so that we don't head down the rabbit hole of never-ending 'unrequited' feelings? After reading the "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", I no longer believe in quick fix, and I know there's no way to fix my attachment style, because that is me. And that is you. Our attachment style was formed from our childhood and unless we have a time machine to bring us back to the past and to let our caregivers understand our needs so we grow up securely, we will have to live with what we have and take some curated steps to bring us closer to a fulfilling relationship where our needs are met.

First thing first... Understand your attachment style

For reading so far, we have got this checked! At least now we are thinking in terms of attachment style rather than the toxic self-talk of us having issues. To be diagnosed, learn your attachment style here.

Once we have at least a deeper understanding of how we attach - secure or insecure, it would benefit greatly for our current relationship or the ones in the future.

If you are secure with an insecure partner, you may now know how to better calm their storm for the anxious or give sufficient space for the avoidant.

If you are insecure - either anxious or avoidant - you now have a better idea of the science behind such irregular and ridiculous patterns of relationship trouble, and also how then the secure would deal with certain situations.

Then... You got to be brave

Face your fear straight on and be open about it. As one of my favourite sayings goes, "those who mind don't matter. Those who matter don't mind". Please marvel at the fact that you have the courage to say it because that is one step closer to embracing that secure relationship.

The same goes to the secure to be ever thankful to hear "I'm insecure", and learn that the ounce we have taken to piece these simple words into an audible ones,

Practice... Effective communication

"Practice makes perfect." And it works too to become more secure. Ask yourself the hard questions and voice out your needs (even in the comfort with yourself): "I need some space", "What do I see myself in the future?", "What do I expect in a partner?". Answer these questions to yourself and at the same time, ask these questions to the next partner you meet.

I always ask my friends who are happily attached, "how did you guys do it? And i believe they are pretty secure about themselves and they say in a matter-of-fact manner "just set the expectation right at the get go."

So practice and practice to be able to communicate your needs effectively and understand the other person's objective - whether they are capable of a committed relationship.

The Five Principles of Effective Communication

Wear your heart on your sleeves.
Focus on your needs.
Be specific.
Don't blame.
Be assertive and non-apologetic.

Know to turn away

It's okay to walk away if someone is a dealbreaker. It's okay to expect and want something in a committed relationship. And most importantly, it's okay to get hurt. If we can't even risk a stake so high, how are we going to have the courage to reveal anything about us or getting serious with anything?

For the anxious, observe, observe and observe. Don't give the other person excuses over and over again to keep staying if you have already seen the red flags. You know you deserve better than that. Make the other person surrender to your greatness (waving white flags).